From Rosamund Pike as Amy Dunne in Gone Girl to Vijay Varma as Hamza in Darlings, we’ve seen every version of toxic marriage on screen. Whether essayed as that brooding partner, emotional rollercoaster or those dramatic highs and lows framed as passion, movies have often romanticised unhealthy relationships, blurring the lines between devotion and dysfunction. But in real life, a relationship that constantly leaves you second-guessing yourself, walking on eggshells or chasing crumbs of validation is rarely romantic. It’s toxic!
Being in a problematic relationship isn’t always obvious at first. It might start with charm, flattery, and often times, love bombing. Over time, this fades. You may feel like your voice is silenced, your needs ignored or your sense of self slipping away. So how do you know when your marriage is veering into dangerous territory? Tanya Vasunia, New York-based psychologist and published researcher, shares how to recognise, respond to, and recover from it.
What exactly is narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder?
Tanya starts by emphasising how it is extremely essential to understand that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition. “Narcissism is a serious condition. Sadly, it has got popularized as pop psychology, with people loosely saying things like, ‘He’s a narcissist or she’s a narcissist’,” she warns. “Like any other medical condition, it’s critical to get a disorder diagnosis from an expert, who is likely to first gauge whether or not you meet a certain criteria.”
“To put it simply, NPD is a deeply rooted personality trait in which someone has pattern of an inflated sense of self-worth and importance. Beyond occasional vanity or self-centredness, they have a consistent need for admiration and a distinct lack of empathy,” she explains, adding, “This is only the surface level of narcissism. NPD is very complex and exists on a spectrum. Not everyone who has narcissistic traits has NPD. The diagnosis requires a pervasive pattern that significantly impairs relationships and functioning.”
Speaking of its causes, Tanya shares, Narcissism can be developed by a complex interplay of genetic, environmental, sociocultural and psychological factors. “Several experts believe it’s an inherited disposition. But not all narcissists are born narcissist. Unhealed childhood trauma is often considered one of the most significant influences in the development of NPD. It can also cultivate due to environmental and situational based influences.”
What are the obvious signs of a narcissistic partner?
1. They have a grandiose self-image
If you feel your partner often exaggerates their accomplishments or believes they are destined for greatness, it’s a big sign. They are also likely to have a sense of entitlement and a need to feel superior to others. “A woman who is a narcissist would constantly remind her husband and children that the family is only there where they are because of her sacrifices.”
2. They need constant validation
A tell-all sign that you’re married to a narcissist is if your partner constantly craves praise, respect, attention and admiration. He/she/they may get very upset or distant if they don’t feel like they’re being sufficiently appreciated.
3. They lack empathy
“Narcissist struggle with genuinely understanding or caring about your emotions. They will often minimise your feelings, dismiss your pain or change the subject when you’re vulnerable. That said, some narcissists are very intelligent and can be quite good at imitating empathy or projecting it to some level.”
4. They always prioritise themselves over you
“Their needs come first always. So, they will not put you before them. Another sign is your partner will make everything about them. Conversations and emotions often shift back to them.”
5. They almost look perfect on paper
Don’t dismiss narcissists as ‘unwell’. “They’re intelligent, they look very presentable, and they very highly accomplished. But that’s because they put themselves first in every situation.”
6. They take offence easily
“Everything that’s said, especially negative, is very taken very personally. They take offence to things very easily because again, they need to have adoration consistently.”
7. They manipulate and control you
“You often feel they manipulate through guilt, gaslighting or emotional blackmail. Over time, this may feel as if it has chipped away your self-confidence and autonomy.”
8. They have a public and private persona
“A big sign your spouse is a narcissist is when they value social currency and status to a greater deal than most people. In public settings, they are often charming and charismatic. But behind closed doors, they are cold and often cruel.”
9. They don’t have stable relationships
“One obvious key characteristic to recognise NPD in your partner is that they struggle with relationships, both platonic and romantic. Now, this is not to say that they have no friends or never had romantic partners, but they won’t have a singular best friend or very close connections despite having favourable social conditions. They will often say ‘things fell apart’. Truth is, they often don’t get along with people.”
10. They have surface-level intimacy
While they may seem charming or even seductive at first, as a partner you feel they lack emotional depth and true vulnerability. Your relationship can feel more transactional or conditional than intimate.
11. They have selective problems and fights with people
“A classic yet uncommon sign of a narcissist is that they often have issues with multiple people, but someone who is extremely well-to-do or from a higher status than them, they’ll be on their best behaviour and charming.”
12. They are always right and blame-shifting
Instead of receiving constructive feedback with maturity, they tend to shut it down with phrases like, “This is just who I am, so deal with it.” This rigid mindset reflects a classic narcissistic trait: the inability to self-reflect or grow. In their world, they’re never the problem and everyone else just needs to adjust. Other classic characteristic is they will use the victim card, which is exhausting and extremely emotionally draining.
What can you do?
Don’t give in to their “needs”
“I understand in a marriage, it’s difficult to pick up and leave because there’s often love and connection involved. It’s why it’s common for you to think that if you support or love the partner enough, it can fulfil what they desire, be it constant admiration or affection. Unfortunately, narcissism is like a bottomless pit. The more you give that to them, the more they require and expect it.”
Seek support
Isolation is common in narcissistic dynamics. Reach out to trusted family members or a therapist who can help you gain perspective and emotional strength. “People with narcissism are unlikely to seek help because introspection or improvement are not things that they find comfortable. But you need to take care of yourself. Make time for yourself and seek help from an expert.”
Set clear boundaries early on
“It’s critical to address concerns early on. Boundaries are incredibly important and efficient with narcissists. A narcissist will test your limits and push back, but it’s crucial to protect your emotional space. Say no without over-explaining. Be firm and consistent with your boundaries.”
Know when to walk away
“Narcissists can only survive with highly empathetic partners and social settings, such as most South Asian families, where divorce isn’t necessarily celebrated. But with guidance from trusted family and a therapist, in extreme cases of long-term emotional abuse, chronic gaslighting or lack of accountability, the healthiest option may be to leave. You can’t change someone who doesn’t see a problem.”
