There are big moments in life; career milestones, dream holidays, first apartments, and then there’s wedding planning. A heady, high-stakes, high-emotion affair that can feel like producing, starring in, and directing your own Bollywood film…with a million unsolicited executive producers. One of whom, naturally, is your future mother-in-law. We’re not here to vilify her. She’s not Cruella in a sari, but she is someone with a vision, and memories. And perhaps a Pinterest board of her own that predates yours. And often, she’s also grappling with the reality of no longer being the leading lady in her son’s life. The result? A little tension, a few passive-aggressive WhatsApp forwards, and a whole lot of opinions on your lehenga, your playlist, and your wedding décor.
But fear not, bride-to-be. This is your survival guide to navigating the MIL vs. mehndi chaos, with grace, humour, strategy…and your dream palette intact.
Decode the emotion beneath the interference
When your MIL raises an eyebrow at your decision to skip gold jewellery or comments that your haldi outfit is “very plain,” remember: it’s probably not about the outfit. It’s about what that outfit represents. For her, it might feel like a departure from tradition, from family identity, or from the rituals she’s grown up with. It might even feel like a symbol of her fading influence.
Survival Strategy: Respond with empathy, not defensiveness. Try: “Tell me about what you wore at your haldi” or “What colour would you have chosen for this event?” These questions open dialogue and dissolve defensiveness. Often, she doesn’t want control, she wants connection.
Use the dummy draft method
You’ve picked an elegant, understated ivory lehenga. She wants something “grand”; think canary yellow with magenta embroidery and rhinestone butterflies. Instead of rejecting her suggestion outright, show her a dramatically outlandish “first draft” option that she’ll almost certainly veto, before presenting your actual choice as a beautifully balanced middle ground.
Survival Strategy: Let her feel like the voice of reason. She vetoes the outlandish one. You slide in your real pick. She feels validated, you get your way, everyone wins.
Outsource her enthusiasm
Every mother-in-law has a domain she loves; maybe it’s mithai tasting, or finalising the wedding favours, or orchestrating a dance for the sangeet. Identify this zone of joy and give it to her, completely. When people feel ownership, they stop interfering elsewhere.
Survival Strategy: Phrase it like an honour. “We’d love for you to handle the gift baskets, they were so gorgeous at your niece’s wedding!” She’ll be too busy comparing laddoo vendors to worry about your backless blouse.
Pre-empt the power kegs
You already know what will ruffle feathers; maybe it’s your decision to have a female priest, or to have a cocktail night with a DJ instead of a sit-down dinner with ghazals. Rather than letting these bombshells drop days before the event, address them early, gently, and together with your partner.
Survival Strategy: Use inclusive language: “We were thinking…” or “We both love the idea of…” It signals unity and prevents her from singling you out as the rebel daughter-in-law-to-be.
Navigate the fashion flashpoints
This one’s a classic. She wants you in red Banarasi. You want champagne organza. The key is flexibility and planning. Maybe you wear her pick for the family lunch. Maybe you layer her heirloom jewellery over your modern silhouette. The more she sees herself reflected in you, the less alien your choices will feel.
Survival Strategy: Frame it sentimentally. “I’d love to wear your wedding necklace at the pre-wedding puja, it would be such a special moment.” That’s all she really wants, to know she still matters.
Appoint her chief guest whisperer
Every wedding has that aunt who insists on bringing three extra people or complains that her seat is “too far from the action.” Instead of managing these fires alone, hand them over. Your MIL knows the family dynamics inside out and has years of practice in handling guests with diplomacy (and a sharp stare).
Survival Strategy: “We’d really appreciate your help managing the RSVP changes. You just know how to talk to everyone!” Give her a walkie-talkie and watch her shine.
Establish a couple code
You and your partner are a team. And like any good team, you need signals. Develop few subtle cues to use when things get overwhelming or when you need rescuing during group planning sessions. It could be a gentle nudge, a shared phrase like “Let’s check with the decorator,” or even a secret emoji text.
Survival Strategy: Also set a rule: no major decisions without discussing privately first. That way, even if something comes up in a big group, you’re not put on the spot.
Choose your battles
You don’t need to win every debate. Ask yourself: Will this matter to me in five years? If not, let it go. Your energy is better spent on things that do matter, like writing meaningful vows or curating a killer first dance tracklist.
Survival Strategy: Make a Non-Negotiables list, which will include 3-5 things that are musts for you and your partner. Share this with both families early on. It sets the tone and manages expectations.
Use the mirror technique
Sometimes the best way to connect is to ask her about her own wedding. Chances are, she had her own battles; her mother-in-law wanted a temple wedding when she wanted a beach one. Or maybe she couldn’t afford the jewellery she dreamed of. Inviting her into a space of nostalgia can humanise you in her eyes, and create unexpected bonding.
Survival Strategy: “What did you love most about your wedding?” or “Was there something you wish you could’ve done differently?” These simple questions can lead to deeper understanding and, dare we say, friendship.
Schedule a tea & truce ritual
In the wedding madness, it’s easy to forget that this is also a time to build your new relationship with your MIL. Set a day aside every few weeks for no wedding talk. Just hang out. Watch a show together. Browse saris. Go for a walk. Share a laugh. When the relationship strengthens, the friction reduces.
Survival Strategy: Ritualise it. “Every Thursday is tea night, no wedding drama allowed.” Trust us, you’ll both look forward to it.
Planning a wedding is less about the flowers and more about feelings. Your MIL isn’t just trying to change your centrepieces, she’s processing change, too. This wedding marks the beginning of your new journey, but also the end of a chapter in hers. So extend a little grace. Use humour. Stay anchored to your vision, but remember there’s beauty in compromise, too.
And when in doubt? Take a deep breath, sip some chai, and remind yourself: mogras and orchids can coexist. Just like you and your MIL.
