In the movie Monster-in-Law, Jane Fonda’s character Viola is determined to derail the relationship of her son, Kevin (Michael Vartan) with his fiancé Charlie (Jennifer Lopez), who she believes is unworthy of her beloved boy. There’s a rather contrived scene in the rom-com, where a heated conflict between Viola and Charlie culminates with a bout of slapping each other. Of course, the movie’s montage is sophomoric and just for some comic relief. In real life, a friction or fight with in-laws is unlikely to lead to physical altercation. But it’s not uncommon to have minor indifferences and spats with in-laws… until they become major and start to feel toxic and agonising.
At times, discordance and differences can lead to imperiling your mental wellbeing and even your marriage. But unlike friends or colleagues, you can’t just cut ties and move on, regardless of how overbearing your mother-in-law is or nosy your brother-in-law. At the end of the day, when you marry your partner, you also partner with their family. Your spouse’s parents and siblings become a permanent part of your life.
Thankfully, there are ways to navigate tricky ties and maintain harmony in the family. Below are tell-all signs that your in-laws are jeopardising your relationship and how to deal with them.
You spend a lot of time arguing with your spouse about your in-laws
All is not well if you are constantly discussing your in-laws with your spouse, whether the differences with your in-laws is over parenting style or politics. This is sure to lead to a fight or a heated moment.
What you can do:
It’s only natural you’d want to talk about your problems with your spouse. But instead of getting aggravated, try to communicate with your spouse in a calm and clear manner about how their behaviour makes you feel and how it affects your marriage. If you can’t find a middle ground, find a counsellor, be it a medical or spiritual who has experience in detailing with marital concerns.
You struggle with them invading your space
Every marriage finds its own rhythm for personal, professional and social spaces. So it can be frustrating if you find your partner’s family frequently overstepping their boundaries, such as showing up to your house unannounced, staying longer than welcome, ignoring rules you have with the kids or giving unsolicited advice. And so on.
What you can do:
It is important that you set firm boundaries for your in-laws, even if they resist. At no point, should their involvement feel like an invasion of your family time and traditions. Things and experiences you have with your spouse and kids will help you grow together as a unit. But it is important for your spouse to have this conversation with their parents directly, so it’s not hurtful, disrespectful or resentful.
You find them constantly criticising
No one is perfect, but you find them constantly making digs at you, whether it’s about your parenting style, lifestyle choices, or even your appearance. It almost feels as if criticising is their love language, as if nothing you do is ever enough. This may come across as direct disrespect or indirect snide comments. Disparagement is going to lower your self-esteem and create a wedge in your marriage.
What you can do:
Any kind of disrespect should be called out. Even in case of backhanded criticism, speak up and tell them you won’t tolerate it. In almost all cases, it is most helpful to express your feelings the same instant. But avoid accusatory language. For subtle remarks, you can ask questions like “What do you mean by that?” or “Did you say this to embarrass me?”. You can also directly say, “I’d appreciate if…”
You feel they are constantly competing with you for your partner’s attention
It’s not uncommon for parents, especially for mothers, who can’t seem to let go of the idea that their child has their own family now. Such parents often feel that their child’s partner has “replaced” their place. That might explain why they constantly feel the need to “compete” with you—they want to be the first to know the big news, they one-up your efforts in the marriage and make every event about them.
What you can do:
Try to the bigger person and end the “contest” with your in-laws—it will never be an apple-to-apple comparison anyway. Try to cut all your urges to win their childish endeavours. Remember, such behaviour often stems from their insecurity. If you can’t empathize with them, brush them off with appropriate responses such as, “I’m glad my spouse has support from both of us” or “My recipe is different and will never replace yours”.
You can’t resolve your problems with them calmly
There are always people who thrive on drama. They make a mountain of a mole hill. They undermine you. They raise their voice and use inappropriate language. They fight with you over petty matters. They demonstrate narcissistic behaviour. They know your triggers and always find ways to push your buttons, often deliberately. Their bad attitude leads you to lose your cool and get aggressive.
What you can do:
As frustrating and antagonizing such situations are, try to stay calm. Most times, getting out of the situation for the moment goes a long way. This is worth bringing up to your partner. Instead of outrightly bashing their family, be clear, be firm and respectfully convey that disrespect won’t be tolerated. This will encourage your partner to convey the same to their parents.
Like it or not, your in-laws will always be part of your life, and marriages are all about finding mid-path for better or for worse. By no means, this should mean that it takes a toll on you and your marriage. But it’s important to remember that they are your beloved’s parents. Ensure you and your partner are on one side and keep the lines of communication open between you two, no matter how difficult the situation is. Try not to take things personally and accept your in-laws as they are. Find common ground and try to be grateful for good times. Above all, seek professional guidance to improve communication and resolve conflicts.
